~Fear and Expanding the Family, One Day~

I'm forever trying to find my path. 

You know, where I'm supposed to be, what I'm supposed to do... for Him, instead of what the world tells me to do.

Some days I shiver, knowing what the bible instructs, what society instructs, and where I really am.  It strikes a fear.  Those opinions all flying at you, those expectations, those demands. 

And as I've contemplated all the angles I feel to be stuck in between, I found a gift.  I have just finished reading Ann's "One Thousand Gifts" and the message is forever floating in my mind.  "Gifts" "Fear".  Letting go.  Having such fears, and letting go, it can be a gift.  If I just accept it.

And maybe I'm inspired by the political battle over so called "Women's Rights" and who should and should not be able to do what, when all along NONE of it is actually up to us... I mean really is there a question?  I do suppose if you don't believe in God, and you believe in yourself as the highest power in your life...

As a fool, I fear the highest power in my life.  Not always, but as for today, I'm scared.  Perhaps nervous is a better term.

Life, the world, has been saying that we should feel more than blessed with our family of four.  Our 6 year old boy, our eighteen month old daughter.  And we are blessed, and we are thankful.  And society says that I'm at my limits, have enough on my plate, couldn't possibly manage a larger family, couldn't possibly afford more, and wouldn't I just like to get things done, and go places, and do things... and live?!

I think of my garden, still far from done.  My projects my plans.  The sewing I dream of, but haven't time to do.  The books I want to write, the sleep I lack, the former life I gave up to be with my children...  And the small one who wakes me up at four am giggles and blows me a kiss as she shoves her big brother to the floor...  and I know, for whatever reason, that society has it all wrong.

It's His will, not theirs.

And so we open a new page in our life.  And give Him control.  And it scares me ever so slightly.  Which is all silly because I have no idea of His plans for me.  And if it is in His plans then obviously I can handle it.  And I should never doubt what He decides, and I defiantly shouldn't question giving over our control.

As always I'm rambling on and on, but it feels good to release some energy on these worries, and to share my concerns, even if they are modestly funny.  My mind is racing over those silly things I should yet be thinking of:  Is there room in our house?  What about my car, there's no room for another car seat?  How the heck will I manage three kids in a store?  Who's going to share a room?  Should I finish the basement?  What about that dang garden?  Gah!  What about names, we didn't even pick out our daughter's name until I was in active labor?! 

*Deep breaths*

I have to practice this whole letting go thing.  It took 2 years to conceive our second child.  And a third might not ever be in His plans. 

And while I ramble I have to share that I'm not alone in the worries.  My husband whom had the ultimate final say in handing over this whole thing to God, is in a sweet panic of a different kind.  Since he announced that we were no longer going to wait for our perfect scenario, he has been madly scouring on ways to expand our coop because obviously four eggs a day will not be enough for a family of 5 (and to give importance to this note, he's never had a real interest in the flock, and just last month said he was fine with me expanding the flock of chickens but expressed on how I would have to figure out how to make a larger coop), and he's been busy trying to teach our son household chores to lighten my burden.  Here's praying this fire stays lit!

Either way, whatever decision God makes, where ever he takes us, I have great hope in our growth, even if it remains in just a family of four.

PS. Unrelated, I finally made a good loaf of sourdough!

Gardening and Children (I need your help!)

One of my biggest struggles over the past few years, when it come to gardening, is doing so while looking after my children.  It's a struggle I never thought I would have, after all I was the kid who followed my dad outside just dreaming of being able to work in the dirt with him... I'd beg to plant something. 

My six year old son begs to go back inside.  My 18 month old daughter loves being outside, but hates being in one spot.  You can see my problem.

I'm looking for advice on how to alleviate my issues, raising them up right, giving them what they need and getting my garden chores done without getting a headache.

I have a few ideas.  One being their very own plot in the midst of my garden.  A small sectioned off area where they can stomp, dig, plant, water, trample and such without me yelling at them for doing so.  But beyond that I'm at a loss as to what's right.  For example I do happen to have a small plastic playhouse thing that I could move over to the garden.  Am I trying to just keep them busy or should I be involving them more?  But then again you really can't involve a toddler that much to start with...

I guess what I'm saying is that I just don't want to end up bribing them to "Let Mommy get her work done, PLEASE."  I want them to want to work with me, to entertain themselves, to learn... you get the point, I hope. 

I just feel as though stocking up on toys is the wrong solution.  But they're both so different, I'm worried about keeping everyone safe, happy and such (and getting my work done!!!!).  I'd love to hear your ideas!

In The Kitchen ~ 2012 Goals

My 2012 Kitchen Goals

• Perfect a sourdough loaf.  My starter does great in pancakes and waffles, but always falls flat and will not shape for your basic breads.
• Research cheese making.  It's not really in budget to buy raw milks and cultures, but I'd like to start learning.
• Research yogurt making.  Again, see the cheese notes.
• Switch from expensive, throw away sponges to all handmade wash clothes-- they really do scrub better to start with!
• Meal Plan!  For the life of me I can't get into that habit.
• Stock the freezer with MEAT.  I'd have no problem doing more veggie meals, but I think my husband would die.  ;p
• Stock the Pantry.  I've been working on this, but I keep battling with flour moths.  I need to continue replacing all of my storage containers, and stock up on all of the basics.
• Canning.  I learned how to freeze green beans last year after I found out you can't can things like beans without a $60.00 pressure canner.  This year I plan on somehow budgeting (or finding one at a garage sale, which I never find awesome stuff like that, lol) in a pressure canner and tons of jars and lids so I cannot only correctly preserve our crops but also the bargain in season sales at the stores. 
• Ditch the boxes.  I've replaced almost all bread products with homemade, and now I'm ready for the pastas and sauces.  There's a new blog I've been following, Budget Bytes, where she actually lays out the exact cost of making things homemade, from scratch versus using store bought, the difference, the savings are sometimes amazing!  Not to mention the obvious things like losing the chemicals, preservatives and additives that someone with a family history of major intestinal issues like me defiantly could live without!
• Finish my Cookbook Binder.  I have this thing lately with preserving the recipes that I've come up with that are successful.  It's important to me for my children to one day be able to pass things down to their kids, just the way I did it, if they so choose.  I think this comes from my husband dearly missing some things his mom used to make that went to the grave with her.  (that sounds morbid, but you get the point)
• Organize the kitchen and pantry!  This also includes for me, coming up with a master plan to demolish the entire room... it is that bad. Pots and pans are stuffed into nooks and crannies, faded dated wallpaper covers every surface, it's a room that when spotless still looks grimey, old and non-welcoming.  
• Teach my six year old son the basics of using the kitchen.  Dishes, small cooking chores, knife safety, oven safety and such.  I've really slacked off since the baby on teaching him new chores, it's been so much easier t just get it done myself and that needs to change!
• Go back to all homemade cleaning products.  Mrs.Meyers stole my heart with her beautiful scents and crisp packaging, but really her stuff cleans no better than baking soda and vinegar.   
• Learn/ Research Wild Game Recipes.  I'm adequate with venison, but I have no clue on how to prepare wild turkey, rabbits and the like that could really help relieve our food budget.
• Re-Establish good kitchen/food habits.  Cleaning immediately, food de-thawed ahead of time, fridge always presentable, baking days and the like.

What are your 2012 kitchen goals?  Do you have any tips to share?

Winter Eggs



It's amazing how quickly I succumb to the negative effects of winter, even with the random 60* plus days and the tornado warnings that kept me up all night last night.  This winter just seemed to begin with the bad taste from last winter, and it has taken a lot of effort just to keep my moods where they belong.  Blogging hasn't been a priority as I haven't had much to say, nothing positive or helpful at least. 

The past year or so just seemed to weigh so heavily, nothing seemed to be moving forward, progress seemed non-existent, it's been a running in circles and falling backwards kind of year.  Especially when you allow yourself to compare yourself with others, and I won't even go into that death trap right now.

But there was a catch I only began to just realize... I am getting ahead, I have been making progress, although painfully slow, the progress is there! 

Four days before Christmas in the midst of the baking storms I went out to check on what the goat was staring at, as my husband stumbled upon a black bear while hunting I always check on what she's staring at!  I couldn't find anything of immediate concern and decided to investigate the coop (where we found kittens the month before!) and finally discovered our first egg!  Within in days I had a fridge full of multi-colored eggs, finding anywhere from 1 to 3 eggs a day.  I was probably much more excited than I should have been with finding that first egg.  Months had passed of chasing off stray cats, worrying about the bear, tending to the chickens in awful weather, searching for them in the woods... and finally it paid off, the work was worth it.

And that's just how life kind of feels like right now.  The eggs are coming in, I can finally turn out a decent loaf of bread, the clutter is slowly disappearing, the finances are stabilizing (extremely slowly), my son is excelling in school (even though I still despise the whole situation).  The getting there has been painfully slow and full of sacrifices and hard work... things don't seem to be changing... but they are, unseen to the eye things are getting better.  It's just hard to notice until you have a fridge full of beautiful eggs.

My deepest apologies to my friends in the blogging world for dropping off of the face of the planet for such a long time.  I'm scheduling it into my days of chasing Sophia off of the tables to write here at least once a week, and hopefully soon I'll be able to catch up with all of your lives as well!

What Am I?

I'd like to think that I know alot about the lands I have spent all 30 of my years on.  But I really don't know very much, especially when it comes to native and not so native plants.

I try, when there's time, to look up certain things on the Internet, only to discover that everything but that plant can be found online, or that I must have discovered some odd new species that has yet to be cataloged on any Missouri website. 

So I was out the other day, hunting in my "I'm deathly scared of heights, so let's make a pretend tree stand in the corner of our lean-to" and noticed that I was surrounded by these small trees (or large bushes) that had hundreds of bright red berries on them.  I have no clue what they are, and I'm assuming, since it's November and these are still covered in berries and not ravaged by our deer, turkey, bears (I haven't told you about that discovery yet) and many birds that they must not be tasty. 

I googled them online and found nothing.

Here's a photo I took from my cell phone, while I was on my pretend deer stand, the quality is awful, lol.

If you have any guesses as to what it is, please do share!  Thanks!

Healthy, Wholesome... Fail

Today I was planning on posting pictures and stories of my new food journey that I've been working on for over the past few weeks.  I've stopped buying soda, processed snacks, white bread and other foods that are junk in a box.  The goal is overall to lower the amount of money we spend weekly on food and to better all of our health. 

There's been some successes and some failures.  I found out that my kids will eat lots of healthy things when you call it a neat name and present it right.  I've also been finding tons of healthy recipes to use making chicken taste great even if it's been all you've had for an entire week.  I also found out that if you allow my husband anywhere near a grocery store he will come home with double the things that you have not been buying.  Ask for milk and you'll get pork steaks, brats, salami, 2 bags of chips, corn syrup disguised as fruit punch, loaves of white bread and a case of soda. 

The hardest yet most amusing aspect has been the bread making.  All though I have never had success in baking bread I'm still trucking along, giving it my best shot, praying one day I'll get that perfect loaf.  The first set back was discovering my stash of flours had been invaded by flour moths, which I'm still fighting.  Then I discovered that most of our stores do not offer whole wheat flour!  The next issue was my finished product.  Every loaf always borders on being too yeasty, too compact, almost bordering on a beer bread type of taste.  It makes awesome toast and french toast and the like, but eating it as just bread has been leaving much to be desired.  I'm almost positive it comes from my kneading, and my husband is already looking into getting me a dough hook for my mixer.

Then I decided while I was head first into this whole bread thing that I would take on the sourdough world.  I carefully have been feeding my starter, keeping it warm in our frigid house, mixing, dividing, nursing it along.  Waiting, and waiting till I felt secure on actually using it.  So yesterday morning I carefully followed the steps to turn the goo into bread. 

I already knew something went wrong half way through the process, it never shaped, it never rose, it just sat there like a blob.  But after all of that work I put it in the oven anyway. 

Then my son runs into the house, "There's cats everywhere in the chicken coop!"

My husband runs out there with him (and we STILL haven't gotten any eggs, I think we were way off on their age) and soon returns into the house with an arm full of kittens!  The rest of the night was spent cleaning out a dog crate and posting alerts on Facebook and everything BUT checking on the bread. 

So out the bread came a nice and rock hard, blackish brown, which wasn't that bad since I already knew it hadn't turned out.  But the killer was my starter, which normally sits on top of the oven to keep it warm... some one had moved it, on top of a range, the one where the oven vents and it too was cooked!  The other jar of starter was right next to it, but it too I fear is dead.  The top is dried over and crusty.  Disgusted and exhausted I left it all right where it sat.

So for today I have kittens to find a home for and a disaster of a kitchen to clean and probably starter to re-start.  But I won't give up!  Saty tuned!

Important to Remember

Try to stay conscious of Me as you go step by step through this day. My presence with you is both a promise and protection. My final statement just before I ascended into heaven was: Surely I am with you always. That promise was for all of My followers, without exception.

The promise of My Presence is a powerful protection. As you journey through your life, there are numerous pitfalls along the way. Many voices clamor for your attention, enticing you to go their way. A few steps away from your true path are pits of self-pity and despair, plateaus of pride and self-will. If you take your eyes off Me and follow another's way, you are in grave danger. Even well-meaning friends can lead you astray if you let them usurp My place in your life. The way to stay on the path of Life is to keep your focus on Me. Awareness of My Presence is your best protection.

Excerpt from Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young