~Fear and Expanding the Family, One Day~

I'm forever trying to find my path. 

You know, where I'm supposed to be, what I'm supposed to do... for Him, instead of what the world tells me to do.

Some days I shiver, knowing what the bible instructs, what society instructs, and where I really am.  It strikes a fear.  Those opinions all flying at you, those expectations, those demands. 

And as I've contemplated all the angles I feel to be stuck in between, I found a gift.  I have just finished reading Ann's "One Thousand Gifts" and the message is forever floating in my mind.  "Gifts" "Fear".  Letting go.  Having such fears, and letting go, it can be a gift.  If I just accept it.

And maybe I'm inspired by the political battle over so called "Women's Rights" and who should and should not be able to do what, when all along NONE of it is actually up to us... I mean really is there a question?  I do suppose if you don't believe in God, and you believe in yourself as the highest power in your life...

As a fool, I fear the highest power in my life.  Not always, but as for today, I'm scared.  Perhaps nervous is a better term.

Life, the world, has been saying that we should feel more than blessed with our family of four.  Our 6 year old boy, our eighteen month old daughter.  And we are blessed, and we are thankful.  And society says that I'm at my limits, have enough on my plate, couldn't possibly manage a larger family, couldn't possibly afford more, and wouldn't I just like to get things done, and go places, and do things... and live?!

I think of my garden, still far from done.  My projects my plans.  The sewing I dream of, but haven't time to do.  The books I want to write, the sleep I lack, the former life I gave up to be with my children...  And the small one who wakes me up at four am giggles and blows me a kiss as she shoves her big brother to the floor...  and I know, for whatever reason, that society has it all wrong.

It's His will, not theirs.

And so we open a new page in our life.  And give Him control.  And it scares me ever so slightly.  Which is all silly because I have no idea of His plans for me.  And if it is in His plans then obviously I can handle it.  And I should never doubt what He decides, and I defiantly shouldn't question giving over our control.

As always I'm rambling on and on, but it feels good to release some energy on these worries, and to share my concerns, even if they are modestly funny.  My mind is racing over those silly things I should yet be thinking of:  Is there room in our house?  What about my car, there's no room for another car seat?  How the heck will I manage three kids in a store?  Who's going to share a room?  Should I finish the basement?  What about that dang garden?  Gah!  What about names, we didn't even pick out our daughter's name until I was in active labor?! 

*Deep breaths*

I have to practice this whole letting go thing.  It took 2 years to conceive our second child.  And a third might not ever be in His plans. 

And while I ramble I have to share that I'm not alone in the worries.  My husband whom had the ultimate final say in handing over this whole thing to God, is in a sweet panic of a different kind.  Since he announced that we were no longer going to wait for our perfect scenario, he has been madly scouring on ways to expand our coop because obviously four eggs a day will not be enough for a family of 5 (and to give importance to this note, he's never had a real interest in the flock, and just last month said he was fine with me expanding the flock of chickens but expressed on how I would have to figure out how to make a larger coop), and he's been busy trying to teach our son household chores to lighten my burden.  Here's praying this fire stays lit!

Either way, whatever decision God makes, where ever he takes us, I have great hope in our growth, even if it remains in just a family of four.

PS. Unrelated, I finally made a good loaf of sourdough!

Gardening and Children (I need your help!)

One of my biggest struggles over the past few years, when it come to gardening, is doing so while looking after my children.  It's a struggle I never thought I would have, after all I was the kid who followed my dad outside just dreaming of being able to work in the dirt with him... I'd beg to plant something. 

My six year old son begs to go back inside.  My 18 month old daughter loves being outside, but hates being in one spot.  You can see my problem.

I'm looking for advice on how to alleviate my issues, raising them up right, giving them what they need and getting my garden chores done without getting a headache.

I have a few ideas.  One being their very own plot in the midst of my garden.  A small sectioned off area where they can stomp, dig, plant, water, trample and such without me yelling at them for doing so.  But beyond that I'm at a loss as to what's right.  For example I do happen to have a small plastic playhouse thing that I could move over to the garden.  Am I trying to just keep them busy or should I be involving them more?  But then again you really can't involve a toddler that much to start with...

I guess what I'm saying is that I just don't want to end up bribing them to "Let Mommy get her work done, PLEASE."  I want them to want to work with me, to entertain themselves, to learn... you get the point, I hope. 

I just feel as though stocking up on toys is the wrong solution.  But they're both so different, I'm worried about keeping everyone safe, happy and such (and getting my work done!!!!).  I'd love to hear your ideas!